Being...lost in the fog (reflection 2019)

As I  reflect on my 2019, I have divided my reflection into many blogs;
Here is one of them.
I used to joke that....

But then (term four) I developed brain fog 

Put simply, brain fog is a term to describe mental fatigue. And, depending on how severe it is, it can impact your performance at work or school. Brain fog is undeniably frustrating: you know you can do exceptional work, but having no mental clarity can feel like running in slow motion (google search)

or as Chris Eyre asked:

(Am I) Was I mentally absent 

despite 

being physically present in the room?

Chris Eyre's book 'the elephant in the staffroom' How to reduce stress and improve teacher wellbeing stated:

'Teaching is a job that demands our emotional investment and energy. It is a psychological process as much as a physical one in the classroom. We ignore the psychological aspects of the job at our peril'. (pg 22)

I was mentally drained and stressed.  
Feeling like I was constantly in a battle against a climate of bias and shame.  Managing the experience of collective trauma and a personal trigger of exclusion.

  Eyre shares 'Explanations of how people become stressed typically involve three elements or steps'.



He also shared....pg 13...



Sadly how many teachers do tick the box... and I ticked many of these but had managed these through my wellbeing plan:

•  #oneword2019-MOMENT 
• connecting with my family and friends
• daily walking of my dog (and lots of hugs)
• being present (aware of being/doing one thing at a time)
• growing my mind and wellbeing passion- reading, digesting the information

I am usually a glass half full kind of girl and my #oneword2019 - moment, and Brene Brown research was all about ensuring that despite an unknown workload and an ongoing rumble I was feeling well .... but  term four, my glass became completely empty. 

I became lost in the fog.

Our October holidays I experienced a collective trauma with a group of our akonga that energy drained me. Being fragile

Sadly I was in a growing climate of negativity.

Eyre states (pg 102-103)that "as teachers we are exposed to a considerable deal of negativity most days, and it takes a great deal of energy to remain positive; we are swimming against the tide.....in order to understand (the importance of positive thinking) this, it is necessary to look at how negative thinking arises. Negative thinking is a response to threat and dangers. Our focus narrows on combating the danger, and we don't notice anything else. Our world literally narrows....our brain genuinely shows us the world differently when we are negative...we are creating a reality rather than viewing it."

The normal day to day negativity is manageable for most but when as a collective (a kura) negativity is linked to public criticism and already two terms of defence mode was being experienced ....






and looming change can bring assumption and  stress for all stakeholders; and fear can topple even the seemingly tight team. Many stakeholders remaining are probably going through this graph below....

 

pg 122 Chris Eyre  ( The elephant in the staffroom)

 reference the change curve

 (Elizabeth Kubler Ross) 

Our culture of care was perceived/experienced/assumed by many as being replaced by a  culture of fear- the climate cloudy for some, sunny for others bringing positive and negative bias and emotional bias.

Barry Glassner (sociologist) in his book, The culture of fear, states it is our perception of danger that has increased, not the actual level of risk. Glassner forecasts that people and organisations manipulate our perceptions and profit from our fears- has this happened with us? The possible loss of our vision? 

(I have added this to my audible list).

As I move into 2020, and  two week's holidays under my belt I am 

refilling my cup; 

....empowering me!

my thinking hat is coming back on and my unread books are being read and digested and connections being made growing my thinking from:

 climate/culture of shame ----------------- climate/culture of understanding

              and bias                                                                  and courage

My #oneword2020 is Listen (preceded with the action of notice the moment)

Listen without assumption

Listen with empathy

Listen with unconditional respect

 Courageously listen

Optimistically listen

Listen to my body

Mindfully listen

Listen to my friends

Listen to Maile

Listen to the moment

Listen to my words

Listen with my eyes 

etc

......

Being in the moment- myword2019- the power of a moment

My #oneword2019 MOMENT was chosen because of collegial success and optimism and as I reflect on #myoneword2020 and as to whether I play it, share it and what it should be I reflect how powerful  this word (Moment) has been for me personally this year. 

The noticing of the little things..... 

and the strengths I found within, and in particular my 3 Ps:

• Patience
• Presence
• Preparation

My job role changed significantly in 2018 and the predictions of the moments below definitely hit the mark and I was astounded at how patient I had to be but also how we can learn so much from our akonga in being social emotional.

and it was this word BEING that encapsulated my reflections from moments and my blog shares; with titles beginning with being...... 

It also influenced my leadership input and the consideration of;

 

I can confidently say I noticed/experienced all these moments I predicted in my #oneword2019 blog I noticed the moment or reflected on the moment. There were definitely some 'I stuffed it moments' but the noticing allowed for preparation and 'prep for the moment 'again. My summer Brene Brown research and digesting was instrumental in this and my ongoing revisiting of Contextual Wellbeing.

Power of the moment - Take a moment - Capture the moment - Teachable moment - Learn from the moment

A moment in time - It’s only a moment - Seize the moment - See the moment - Let go of the moment

Connect with moment - Provoke the moment - Give a moment - Aha moment - Redirect the moment

Recharge moment - Unleash moment - Breath through the moment - Silent moment - A courageous moment - Presence in the moment  - Grit moment - Feel the moment - Acknowledge the moment -Choosing the moment -Think beyond the moment - Share the moment - In the zone moment 
(Brene Brown - Daring to Lead) building trust moment - "Oh sh•t moment 

Switch off moment - Unplug moment

Two significant moments; one at the start of the year and one towards the end of the year that challenged my hope to 'let go moments.' These I have reflected on as part of my 2019 reflection. 

• Being...lost in the fog 
• Being in...an ongoing rumble (edit mode)

although these moments didn't change my entire world, they challenged my being in the consequence from the moment. So as I move into 2020, I have chosen the word LISTEN as my #oneword2020 in my goal to continue and strengthen my 'presence'.

But to re-love the word empower that I grew to detest over the year; to empower me through self-compassion.

Listen without assumption

Listen with empathy

Listen with unconditional respect

 Courageously listen

Optimistically listen

Listen to my body

Mindfully listen

Listen to my friends

Listen to Maile

Listen to the moment

Listen to my words

Listen with my eyes 

But although the end of 2019 was 'a bit' hard, 

I finished the year proud, careful and recovered after a couple weeks out of the pressure cooker.

Being 'responsive'

The biggest outcome from our infamous merge last year was that change is good for all; and that being adaptable is crucial to enabling the best learning opportunities for our ākonga. 

Recent tweets  and blog by our Principal and SLT, shared our collaboratively created timetable process and transdisciplinary learning.  In response to these I saw this quote and thought it suited us perfectly. 

And Tuesday morning's Kaiarahi meeting showed once again we're willing to turin things upside down in the moment. 

For Tuesday's meetings I had added  to the agenda:

Giving Kaitiaki space groups time with PLD to create a guide for when staffing spaces

For two reasons this was of need for me to be discussed;

• A learner in our Puna ako group/ my mentor group whose personal inquiry was to work on his weights programme.  

                                  1) He had attended an induction 😀

                                   2) He had a weights programme designed with a Kaiako  😀  

                                   3) He was over 15  😀   

                                   4) He had a support peer   😀    

                                 But he did not have access and the space was closed  😡

                                            Therefore he could not  do his inquiry.

•  I wanted to revisit our Kaitiaki work we had explored during our teacher only days and grow the space to include visuals and prompts to grow autonomy in the moment (my teacher inquiry to support our non-participants to engage)

Our discussion was in favour of change but we were screwed by the rigidity of our current timetable  model to staff the space. .......and then it changed. Our learning time;  Mai time became redefined. 

Usually we would design this proposal share and tweak with our Pou teams then present to our Kaiako our new thinking.  

On Tuesday we took the idea to our Kaiako, raw and fresh and a discussion occurred with its pros and cons, devils advocates and cheerleaders. 

Outcome: Let's trial this approach for our next timetable round starting week 8. 

How exciting to work in a space that we can and are being responsive to our ākonga persoanlized learning wants and needs.

How exciting that in one working day we turned upside down our learning design.

 How exciting to work where a village raises a child. 

      #wearetuakana   #wearehaeata           

Being : "fitting in" or "belonging"

Over the summer I have enjoyed reading and learning with Brene Brown. My most recent book was  'Braving the wilderness'.  Chapter seven sparked my thinking and reflection about  inclusion and in particular 'fitting in and or 'belonging'. 

"If I get to be me, I belong,

If I have to be like you, I fit in"

My dog was the perfect example of this as a labrador staffy cross. While away at Benmore camping at Christmas (Sale's first ever camping holiday), sitting down at the lake edge watching the kids playing, a lady walked by, Sale was contented hanging out with us, the lady went to pat Sale, and a  growl came; labrador became staffy. 

"Wow she goes from cute to scary in a second" the lady responded. "Sorry she's not good with people she doesn't know" or she only trusts the people in her tribe.

 

Salehabanu, my beautiful, loyal, stubborn girl of nearly 12 years.

All my life I have been desperate for a dog; growing up we weren't allowed one. So when I brought my house I saved a dog from trademe. I got Sale at 10 months old from a Chinese lady whose partner had returned to China.  I fell in love with 'Doh' straight away and 10 minutes later she was in my car. She was renamed Salehabanu after a student who I taught in London.  

500 metres from my house is a dog park; Sale was trained; could sit, wait (most of the time)  but she  hadn't had much time out of the previous owner's back path. At the dog park she loved to get chased but if anydog came between me and her she would 'bark' with spit flying. One such day a man told us off because he thought with this spit on his dog's fur that she had made teeth-contact. Sale didn't belong here at this time.

Sale became a lab with lots of staffy; her head and her swag became prominent outside of ours and tribe-member's homes, people  looked at her warily. She became more reactive post earthquakes, and struggled to share the beach and park; and the new red-zones became our place of choice where she was able to run free amongst the geese and I had 360 degree view of people or dogs coming into our space.

At the same time I got Sale,  in my class was a boy who also liked to run; flight or fight. Initially he would escape anxious moments by climbing up a tree until one day he picked up a 'four by two' and hit his tormenter in the head. This caused an outrage at school but for me I had empathy for this boy and his mother. This was when I understood anxiety and the perils of it. I was experiencing it with a dog who didn't fit in or in someways couldn't be trusted because of anxiety and reaction. 

This was when I redesigned our classroom to be collaborative. The desks became empty and in 2 big groups so that we could have circle time throughout the day. Ownership of desks did not belong. Books were placed in baskets and pens/ pencils were shared. Students were encouraged to work with others but not forced. Friends were encouraged, worked on. Games were a big part of our day with jigsaws and collaborative/integrated tasks open throughout the day. Whole class teaching didn't happen and group work happened all the time. Hui and fono were also everyday as we built a class on voice, self-managing and 'fingers-crossed' belonging.

"Belonging is being somewhere you want to be and they want you,

Fitting in is being somewhere you want to be but they don't care one way or the other"

Brene Brown

Now, today.... two boys come to mind in our learning space, both because of their relationship posts I regularly get. One looks different and one is new (late last year) to the school. I feel both are trying to fit in, and do they feel they belng?

At Haeata one of our values is:

Edged in my brain is this 'fitting in or belonging' and the impact of this.

One lunch time a couple of weeks ago, one of the boys I'm reflecting on sat in our collaborative building. Like many before him he connected his phone to the tv so he could play his music of choice through a speaker. His space was also close to the space many Kaiako choose to spend their lunchtime chatting and eating in. In the 30 minute period that I sat nearby, the tv he was connected to was turned off four times. Why? I stepped in four times to speak to the students, supposedly because they didn't like the "student's" music. His music was in no way offensive and really was it the music or the student.


In Helen Street's book 'Contextual Wellbeing', chapter seven addresses Building cohesion. She states ' Cohesion is the powerful social glue that turns us from human beings into people.'  This student who was targeted for his music looks different to many and he struggles to have healthy relationships with his peers because of his inappropriateness at times in both words and actions. But in reality is this his way of trying to fit in? Others can play their music, swear, do hand gestures and have inappropriate conversations. Is his targeting because of his behaviours or because of his looks?

Dr Street shares "In the language of social psychology, social cohesion develops out of 'personal attraction' between members of any given group and the sharing of rules and norms within that group. 'Personal attraction is a term used to represent a liking for others based on shared traits and goals, and a sense of belonging to the group as a whole."

"Belonging is being accepted for you, Fitting in is being accepted for            being like everyone else "

Brene Brown

What does this really look like at school?  In both our modern learning spaces and single-cell classes, is it easier in one than the other? What role does the Kaiako play?  Dr Street states " foremost, teachers need to develop positive relationships with all of their students....The teacher's first skills must be to know how to listen, how to guide students socially and emotionally and how to help outsiders come in from the cold". 

How does this happen in a learning space with over 400 students and 30 kaiako? Are we as Kaiako  biased by our relationships with some students rather than others and is there such a thing as relationship bias? (This is a space I would like to explore more about- please leave comments if you can support me in this- blog to come). Do we listen better to others? Do some of our students consider us part of their tribe and play us? Do we normalise some behaviour for some students and complain about similar behaviour in others?

Dr Helen Street refers to it being the "established norms that guide the behaviour of those who feel they belong. Rules are written down and made explicit whereas norms are established through the repetition of certain behaviours and reinforced with every element of social context. Norms are the true behavioural guides within any group....Norms develop through repeating desired behaviours and contextual support not through repeated verbal reminders."

She goes on to continue " Normative behaviour can also be encouraged with a contextual assumption of normality. The more we treat others according to the norms we would like to follow, the more they will follow these norms" and vice versa. In the sense of the student above if I/we ignored the actions of others what behaviour were we as Kaiako normalising? And when after four disruptions to his 'play', he erupted,  who would be in the wrong? The student who erupted or the students who played a part in his escalated frustration?  If we only listen to one side of the story and assume the outcome to be correct what is the norm we are then allowing?

Taking the time to build cohesion will create our value Manaakitanga, to be a reality for all of our students and mean that school is not a lonely space.

And in my time of grief for my beautiful girl, I know that although she didn't necessarily  fit in, she knew where she belonged! xxx

Sale RIP

Just "Being"

This week I lost my dog; my loyal, stubborn, beautiful constant.

What I miss is her just 'being',

How mindful she could be when she was just being, observing the fly, hearing the car turn into the driveway, the neighbours' door open,  listening, observing, readiness ....

How can we take this into our everyday day? 

How can we take this "being' into  teaching? 

What does being mindful moments 

in teaching/learning look like?

Being mindful to me is about being in the moment (hence my oneword2019; MOMENT)
I see this as being at your most alert;  to what is around you (just like Sale, although not with eyes closed).

At one of our whole school PD sessions last year  (term 2) we had to define the role of a kaiako, I defined it as a list:
        My role as a Teacher:
           #Mentor
           #Learner
           #Negotiator
           #Encourager
           #Supporter
           #Listener
           #Clarifier
           #Motivator
           #Provider
           #Restorer
           #Questioner
           #Provoker
           #Inquirer
           #Social worker
           #Referee
           #Recorder
           #Connector
           #Collaborator
           #Juggler

In reflection of re-reading this list I noticed how active these words were and how they involved direct involvement between myself and the ākonga. What I know now is missing are the passive words:
         #observe
        #notice
        #witness

Actions that

• allow autonomy to occur,   
• Flow of learning to not be interrupted(a blog to come- currently curiously researching) 
• and true resilience to flourish.

Via twitter I found this image that spoke my thinking:

In term three of last year (in our great merge) we considered our teacher expectations as:

Creating workshops for Korowai-Kaupapa	Delivering and workshops for Korowai-Kaupapa	Creating independent learning	Conferencing	Space Support
Puna Ako kaiako role- Social emotional Development	Puna Ako Kaiako- role- supporting learning process	MAI Time Workshops	Be a collaborative Team member	Be a learner

My favourite roles were conferencing and Puna ako Kaiako (especially Mentor- social emotional and support learning) ; it was when I saw the personalised learning approach flourish. 

While conferencing one day I saw a beautiful example of resilience; not because I was alongside the learners (two students) but because I happened to notice  while conferencing another, the moment of magic.  Two learners who were usually non-participants (my term for dis-engaged- my current teacher inquiry)  were working with illustrator to create a manaia, stuck in the process they tried to help each other and then sought help from a kaiako. This for me was huge, as shy non-participants they could of given up, put of by the frustration of the moment. Even when the kaiako didn't immediately respond because they were working with someone else,  they respected this and  were patient in the waiting, not led to distraction by other tabs opening in that wait.  

One of these  ākonga I spotted another day with another non-participant, being quiet in the quiet space doing a jigsaw. A new passion? Could we utilise this moment as mentor teachers to drive the progression to engagement. What can we provide/ suggest for this ākonga as their independent inquiry?

 

These acts of these non-participants had played in my mind and are the motivator for what our Kaitiaki roles have become as a  collaborative progression of my thinking 'being'. In our spaces, for true autonomy to occur how can we support the 'stuck moments', especially when using technology , what can we put in place to reduce our busyness as kaiako to support the next steps, so that ākonga practising resilience or in moments of 'being' resilient seek the support they need.

Something to explore further as Tuakana Kaitiaki. Let's reduce dependency of adult intervention and have the prompts,props and  support available at the click of the button or the glance of the wall.

Also as Kaiako be mindful during conferencing- what magic is occuring at that moment? Take a lool? Notice then be an observer. Do we need to interrupt or can we narrate from afar. 

‘Being’

I'm really lucky to work at a place I love! A place where everything challenges the traditional and provokes us to seek more;  

to BE learners. 

Term three last year I chose to be part of a book group and 'wow' had I found my niche.

The topic (Book: Raising children who refuse to be raised) and a tribe of educators keen to discuss trauma/hauora and learning. This grew my need to explore more and an opportunity came for me to be part of a Wellbeing tour in Australia; exploring Positive Education. 

I had not only found my niche but I had also found my passion in Education.

I  opened books; read intently /highlighted, note-took, sketchnoted, tweeted, skimmed or listened to them, I revisited old textbooks...  I was BEING, in a learning state, motivated by the 'yes' moments and wanting to  unpack more,   I was immersed in the "flow" of learning. 
 I was BEING a self-determined learner. 

As I reflected on both the content and the process along with my experiences, thoughts, discussions and tweets; One book stood out for me;  Contextual Wellbeing by Dr Helen Street.  This book  perfectly articulated my thinking  about Wellbeing and has become my bible as such.

This reflection led me to this provocation:

Wellbeing: Lets first focus on the 'BEING'

so it leads to the 'WELL'. 

At Haeata we have good structures in place (Choice, Hauora, Whanau liason, Relationship focus,  Project based, Mentor groups, Puna ako, Mai Time, Kaupapa ako, Inquiry, workshops, Modern buildings...) but do we know how to BE in these 'spaces'.

Lets look at the word 'Space' literally: 

When I wrote my #oneword2019 blog, I gave an example of 'liberating' the learners at Haeata, because they can: 

•  work in a space conducive to their passion and wants.

What did I mean?

At the end of last year I spent a lot of my release time in the music room, kitchen and garden.
Why because thats where our mentor group chose to 'be' for their self-determined learning and so to support their accountability I joined them rather than  battle about where, who and what else they could/should be doing. They were where they wanted to be and doing their learning with who they wanted to learn with.

 

 

 This led me to ask how we can make our spaces more conducive to extending their learning; this is a space our ākonga wellbeing needs are being met but how can we also drive autonomy in their learning within the spaces they choose to be?.

Now comes the tribe again: sharing my thinking with a fellow Kaiarahi, she linked this idea of 'being' to the self determined framework,

 

and together with our other Kaiarahi we drove this 'being' and ARC  as a driver for exploring better use of our learning spaces for our Tuakana teacher only days.

Then our Kaiako became Kaitiaki of the spaces they hold a passion for and delved into how the space can drive autonomous learning.

It was exciting to see this happen and where we can go....My thinking now:

This web lead me to consider the impact of the teacher and what is it to "BE" a teacher; 

the feelings we invoke and the norms we allow. 

How we facilitate learning in our spaces. 

Or

 What is it like for  ākonga to enter a space that is occupied - to "Be" in the space with others? 

(blogs to come)

Thoughts:

being inclusive - being strong - being an observer - being resilient - being trusted - being respectful-  being independent - being collaborative - being a collective - being dependent - being in the flow - being courageous -  being fair -  being open - being responsive- being engaged - being empowered -being competitive - being inspired - being free - being rushed - being smothered - being overwhelmed - being patient-

-being me-

 
And for me now after 4 days at school and with my #oneword2019-MOMENT- take a moment to breath and to not speed up the rush:

Sourced from Dr Libby (instagram)