Being : "fitting in" or "belonging"

Over the summer I have enjoyed reading and learning with Brene Brown. My most recent book was  'Braving the wilderness'.  Chapter seven sparked my thinking and reflection about  inclusion and in particular 'fitting in and or 'belonging'. 

"If I get to be me, I belong,

If I have to be like you, I fit in"

My dog was the perfect example of this as a labrador staffy cross. While away at Benmore camping at Christmas (Sale's first ever camping holiday), sitting down at the lake edge watching the kids playing, a lady walked by, Sale was contented hanging out with us, the lady went to pat Sale, and a  growl came; labrador became staffy. 

"Wow she goes from cute to scary in a second" the lady responded. "Sorry she's not good with people she doesn't know" or she only trusts the people in her tribe.

 

Salehabanu, my beautiful, loyal, stubborn girl of nearly 12 years.

All my life I have been desperate for a dog; growing up we weren't allowed one. So when I brought my house I saved a dog from trademe. I got Sale at 10 months old from a Chinese lady whose partner had returned to China.  I fell in love with 'Doh' straight away and 10 minutes later she was in my car. She was renamed Salehabanu after a student who I taught in London.  

500 metres from my house is a dog park; Sale was trained; could sit, wait (most of the time)  but she  hadn't had much time out of the previous owner's back path. At the dog park she loved to get chased but if anydog came between me and her she would 'bark' with spit flying. One such day a man told us off because he thought with this spit on his dog's fur that she had made teeth-contact. Sale didn't belong here at this time.

Sale became a lab with lots of staffy; her head and her swag became prominent outside of ours and tribe-member's homes, people  looked at her warily. She became more reactive post earthquakes, and struggled to share the beach and park; and the new red-zones became our place of choice where she was able to run free amongst the geese and I had 360 degree view of people or dogs coming into our space.

At the same time I got Sale,  in my class was a boy who also liked to run; flight or fight. Initially he would escape anxious moments by climbing up a tree until one day he picked up a 'four by two' and hit his tormenter in the head. This caused an outrage at school but for me I had empathy for this boy and his mother. This was when I understood anxiety and the perils of it. I was experiencing it with a dog who didn't fit in or in someways couldn't be trusted because of anxiety and reaction. 

This was when I redesigned our classroom to be collaborative. The desks became empty and in 2 big groups so that we could have circle time throughout the day. Ownership of desks did not belong. Books were placed in baskets and pens/ pencils were shared. Students were encouraged to work with others but not forced. Friends were encouraged, worked on. Games were a big part of our day with jigsaws and collaborative/integrated tasks open throughout the day. Whole class teaching didn't happen and group work happened all the time. Hui and fono were also everyday as we built a class on voice, self-managing and 'fingers-crossed' belonging.

"Belonging is being somewhere you want to be and they want you,

Fitting in is being somewhere you want to be but they don't care one way or the other"

Brene Brown

Now, today.... two boys come to mind in our learning space, both because of their relationship posts I regularly get. One looks different and one is new (late last year) to the school. I feel both are trying to fit in, and do they feel they belng?

At Haeata one of our values is:

Edged in my brain is this 'fitting in or belonging' and the impact of this.

One lunch time a couple of weeks ago, one of the boys I'm reflecting on sat in our collaborative building. Like many before him he connected his phone to the tv so he could play his music of choice through a speaker. His space was also close to the space many Kaiako choose to spend their lunchtime chatting and eating in. In the 30 minute period that I sat nearby, the tv he was connected to was turned off four times. Why? I stepped in four times to speak to the students, supposedly because they didn't like the "student's" music. His music was in no way offensive and really was it the music or the student.


In Helen Street's book 'Contextual Wellbeing', chapter seven addresses Building cohesion. She states ' Cohesion is the powerful social glue that turns us from human beings into people.'  This student who was targeted for his music looks different to many and he struggles to have healthy relationships with his peers because of his inappropriateness at times in both words and actions. But in reality is this his way of trying to fit in? Others can play their music, swear, do hand gestures and have inappropriate conversations. Is his targeting because of his behaviours or because of his looks?

Dr Street shares "In the language of social psychology, social cohesion develops out of 'personal attraction' between members of any given group and the sharing of rules and norms within that group. 'Personal attraction is a term used to represent a liking for others based on shared traits and goals, and a sense of belonging to the group as a whole."

"Belonging is being accepted for you, Fitting in is being accepted for            being like everyone else "

Brene Brown

What does this really look like at school?  In both our modern learning spaces and single-cell classes, is it easier in one than the other? What role does the Kaiako play?  Dr Street states " foremost, teachers need to develop positive relationships with all of their students....The teacher's first skills must be to know how to listen, how to guide students socially and emotionally and how to help outsiders come in from the cold". 

How does this happen in a learning space with over 400 students and 30 kaiako? Are we as Kaiako  biased by our relationships with some students rather than others and is there such a thing as relationship bias? (This is a space I would like to explore more about- please leave comments if you can support me in this- blog to come). Do we listen better to others? Do some of our students consider us part of their tribe and play us? Do we normalise some behaviour for some students and complain about similar behaviour in others?

Dr Helen Street refers to it being the "established norms that guide the behaviour of those who feel they belong. Rules are written down and made explicit whereas norms are established through the repetition of certain behaviours and reinforced with every element of social context. Norms are the true behavioural guides within any group....Norms develop through repeating desired behaviours and contextual support not through repeated verbal reminders."

She goes on to continue " Normative behaviour can also be encouraged with a contextual assumption of normality. The more we treat others according to the norms we would like to follow, the more they will follow these norms" and vice versa. In the sense of the student above if I/we ignored the actions of others what behaviour were we as Kaiako normalising? And when after four disruptions to his 'play', he erupted,  who would be in the wrong? The student who erupted or the students who played a part in his escalated frustration?  If we only listen to one side of the story and assume the outcome to be correct what is the norm we are then allowing?

Taking the time to build cohesion will create our value Manaakitanga, to be a reality for all of our students and mean that school is not a lonely space.

And in my time of grief for my beautiful girl, I know that although she didn't necessarily  fit in, she knew where she belonged! xxx

Sale RIP